The 2nd Worst Morning Ever

 When God gives you lemons you open a door, or something. It’s not always easy to make the best out of a “shitty” situation, but, God dammit, sometimes you just gotta carefully remove your soiled boxer briefs and carry on.
A few nights ago I had a night on the town with a few friends and I’m pretty sure I hit it harder than the rest. I had no intention of going out that night, but after a ten hour shift in a kitchen, I felt I deserved a few drinks. I got off work and leisurely enjoyed a cold brew with my shift meal. Some co-workers discarded a few glasses of wine, so I helped myself. This action swiftly set me up for a successful night.
My buds and I met a local pub, tossed back a few pints, met some d-bag named Ian, who is apparently a really awesome dude (he might say), and split for another bar.
 “WHOA! IAN! YOU‘RE AT THIS BAR TOO?! Another shot? I’d love one.”
We carried on throughout the night like respectful young adults then parted ways. I ended up sleeping, off and on, until about 3:30 pm the next day, right before I had work. The three and half hours I was there were hell. My stomach felt like it was going to fall out of my ass and my head felt… well, my head didn’t feel that bad, actually. It was mainly my tummy. So, I get off work, go home, and slept like a baby for 8 solid hours. This rarely happens, I usually just take two four hour naps everyday.
I, surprisingly, felt really good this morning. It seemed as if my stomach problems were done for. I got dressed for work and went to the bathroom to take a pisser. I felt a little gas and decided to go ahead and let it go. Within a second I instantly regretted this decision. The poot made no sound, and felt… wet. I moved my right butt cheek half an inch and knew right then. I had heard of this sort of thing happening to people my age all the time, but never thought it would happen to me. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve heard of it happening a few times, and I have been waiting for years for it to happen to me. I’m actually pretty surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. But, now, after twenty-some-odd years, I have joined the ranks of people who have shit their pants after infancy. And good day to you.